How to Love an Artist
Tips for confused support systems
I've always been artistically inclined. I invent songs about chopping vegetables for dinner. I kick around lines of poetry in my mind when confronted with a beautiful sunset. I doodle swirls on the borders of meeting notes and decorate birthday cakes with frosting flowers (if I can manage to pipe them with enough skill).
But my penchant for art goes beyond hobby and interest. Art is the way I make sense of the world around me and my place within it. Have I really lived through something if I have not documented my thoughts and feelings about it in word, color, or song? This, I think, is the criteria for being a capital 'A' artist—someone whose soul does not feel fully alive without the breath-like exhalation of artistic creation.
To an extent, I think we all have the capacity for tapping in to our inner Artist. It is a universal quality of being human.
But my inner Artist has been living close to the surface. She complains loudly if she isn't acknowledged. I think that perhaps, I meant to have my Artist in the driver’s seat of my life a little more than others.
If you relate to this sentiment, then I applaud your artistry! And I’d love to be your friend. But this article is not quite addressed to you…
This article is addressed to our slightly clueless loved ones. Those kind, flummoxed individuals who aren’t primarily artistic themselves, but who care for an Artist soul.
Slightly edited conversation between myself and my friend, Serena:
S: How’s writing going?
A: Oh, you know. Just the usual level of miserable. But I wrote a poem today!
S: A poem, that’s so good! But I feel ya, girl.
A: Ollie’s trying to be so supportive, it’s sweet. But yesterday I was having a breakdown about it and he suggested I work on my book….
S: *shock, laughter* How dare he!
A: Exactly, I felt so attacked.
S: I completely understand.
A: …We’re so insane.
Let me dive into this with a few disclaimers. Firstly, this picture of myself as an aggressively self-doubting, perhaps even self-sabotaging, flailing and insecure artist is absolutely not true of every artistic person. In fact, it’s not even an accurate description of myself most of the time. But it is a version of myself that surfaces from time to time, perhaps at random, perhaps at moments of painful artistic growth (I don’t have it entirely figured out). It’s a frazzled, sensitive state of being that my dearest writer friends relate to—we’ve bonded heartily over our shared laments and commiseration in this regard.
My second disclaimer is that my suggestions on “How to Love an Artist” are based entirely on vibes and personal experience. There has been no large-scale research study conducted and no concrete proof that this will work for everyone. I don’t think that love is a one-size-fits-all concept. But, I hope that my documentation will be a helpful reference file for your own endeavors.
How to Love an Artist
Tip #1: Demonstrate sensitivity around the creative tasks that scare them.
Mention of my ‘book’ only freaks me out because it is the most looming, intimidating task in my current creative world. When Ollie suggests I ‘just write’—as if it’s nothing, as if it’s so easy—it send me into chaos. I feel totally inadequate and feel guilty for being so inadequate. I wish he wouldn’t bring any of it up, so that I’m not reminded of my own shortcomings and made to feel this way.
And yet…
Tip #2: Don’t let them neglect their passions.
I know that I need nudges. I just need them extremely sugar-coated. Like, sickeningly sweet. Hidden inside pretty candy wrappers of compliments and smiles.
Very early on in our relationship, I made Ollie promise to keep reminding me to do creative things. “Bug me about it. Force me to do it. I will probably get annoyed but you can’t give up,” I said.
So even though I didn’t like how he brought up my failed writing, I know that he was trying to do what I asked of him. We just needed to work together to figure out what kinds of prompting I respond best to.
What did we come up with, you may ask?
Tip #3: Bribe them into completing creative goals.
Sometimes, Ollie will bring me my laptop and a coffee and try to let me work. He’ll bring my journal like a silent offering of support. But really, the writing only gets done when I suck it up and make myself write. This, unfortunately, he has no control over. I can be very stubborn.
But whenever he notices an inkling of motivation in me, he puts the world on pause to let me get in the zone, and coaxes me gently into that focused session of work:
‘If you finish your chapter, you can pick any dessert you want.’ Or, ‘You can get your nails done.’ Or, ‘You can get x, y, z thing you’ve been wanting to buy.’
When I complete any small creative goal, Ollie will sing my praises. He’ll say I’m so smart and so cool and then we’ll go to Sainsbury’s and I’ll pick out a treat for us to enjoy in honor of my accomplishment.
I know I’m an adult and can do any of these things myself anyways. But somehow, delegating the mental load of bribery helps. I’m not the best at bribing myself… I’ll give up halfway, convince myself that I’ve earned my treat early (weak) or that I don’t actually want the treat bad enough to complete the task (dangerous). It's better when someone else manages it.
Tip #4: Make time to LISTEN.
This clip of author Ocean Vuong talking to Oprah has been making the rounds recently. He talks about how he doesn’t believe in writer’s block, because the concept of writer’s block assumes that the goal is always written output on a timed schedule. Instead, if he cannot write, he uses the time to think.
Sometimes, the beloved artist in your life will not be making art. They might be thinking. They might be experiencing something. They might be grieving, or loving, or growing. Eventually, it will all get poured back into their art. But in the meantime, they might want to talk things through, to do some of the thinking out loud. At these times, the best thing you can do is be their listening ear.
Tip #5: Just keep loving them.
A vibrant creative life can take a long time to come to fruition. Books aren’t written overnight. Poems don’t appear on the page without first having real experiences in the real world. But opportunities to love the people in your life roll around every day.
It might not be your spouse. It might be your Artist mom, or your friend, or your cousin, or your coworker. They might not need your daily creative support and bribery.
They might just need someone to laugh with. Someone to go on an adventure with them. Someone to get them a surprise pastry on the way home. Someone to give them a spare sweater on a chilly night. In loving them, their souls will stay soft and pliable and human. This, in turn, will serve as the fertile soil for their artistic dreams to grow.
Maybe one day you’ll get a shoutout in an Oscar’s speech. Maybe you’ll just get a hand-illustrated Christmas card. But if they forget to thank you, then I will:
Thank you for loving the artists in your life. Your patient care and support is an essential ingredient in the creativity that makes the world more beautiful. None of it is possible without you.
Somehow this cut deep in the most beautifully affirming way 😭😭😭. Thank you for putting this into words.